#53: ABCD Walter, EN

On the murder of dreams and the apparatus of hopelessness

1.

a confirmation: Anthropologically speaking, one may argue that they are less hesitating during oral contact with strangers than any other native tribe.

They do not have a clear vision of themselves.

Their notion of their position within society is not any clearer.

They do not know what is expected of them exactly, or what they might expect from society.

They do not know the extents to which they can go, what career they can afford, how much authority belongs to them, and how much obedience they can demand of others.

They do not know how much freedom of choice they can grant themselves, and they do not even know who is below them and who dwarfs them and how much.

a confirmation: We are always on the leave and together with others, who, are becoming more or less redundant, we lose our own stability.

This whole time we have been deluded. The free surface is wavy still. For those of us who have awoken this is rather annoying, especially if you find out that you were not at all made for it.

They keep them in constant expectation of their dreamed-up ascension, they support their dynamics, they encourage them to compete against their equals, they challenge them to excel, to always push their own boundaries. At the same time, however, they are careful to make sure they stay where they are – in their place – and that they do not stand out. Should they stand out too much, they are pushed back to where they belong. They have their own customs and conventions – their own lifestyle.

a confirmation: In the past you were creating a specific world, but those times have been lost irretrievably. For a long time your soil was inhabited by noone. Your status was specific.

You must be able to feel their feelings again.

You must be able to listen to them.

You must be able to get enthused.

We must learn how to feel othersʼ feelings again.

We must be able to listen to them.

Our standpoint embodies the eternal attack upon the status quo, the quest for a new way of life. How is one supposed to think in the middle of this uproar?

In todayʼs world there is temporary havoc. Society is slowly falling apart. One side of it does not feel it has any commitments, while the other side feels itself to be more and more useless.

2.

It started three months ago, in the summer. Walter looked straight into a mug filled with water and for the first time saw himself for what he really was. On the bottom of the mug there was a cloudless transparent surface.

I do not intend to deny my weaknesses, but everyone knows what pitfalls life brings along.

I begin with a feeling of how the world around me affects me, I have tried to adapt to it, my whole life I have been a fearful and conforming man. Conformity became my highest virtue.

Next year Iʼll be celebrating my sixtieth. I have no idea how much time I have left. Perhaps another ten years, perhaps just a few more weeks.

So if I do stay alive – there is no other way but to think of a way how to start living again, but if I am to die, I cannot just sit around waiting for it to come.

They destroyed all my illusions of how my work was my home, how the other employees were like my family, how my superiors were my good and faithful friends.”

He kept looking – all positions were taken, he began to lose motivation. Long working hours, low salary, life-threatening situations, minimal exercise. And so the temporary solution became a nightmare. The temporary solution was becoming permanent. The trust was fading away, it was vanishing, while new doors were opening…

…new spaces – of marred life ambitions.

A life running smoothly, one in which anything real appears to be more and more complex.

The evil, obstinate expression became a popular subject of jokes.

He defended himself against others and then even against himself. At the end he ingeniously saw to it that he stayed where he was, that his standpoints did not change. Rigorously he kept the customs.

At night he would give in to a bad presentiment; he looked back at different stages of his life that was not ending too well.

The ceiling of the apartment in which he was living was low. In the summer the heat was unbearable. He would go out. He took walks without deeper meanings – always at night, when he could not sleep. Every new decision was made by chance. He crept, he doddered, he talked out loud to himself or he whispered without realizing it, he repeated the same words all over again.

When you get there – you understand – then youʼll go to some other place – easy.”

He could only fall asleep shortly before dawn.

a confirmation: Walking – is in its essence a means of locomotion. Thanks to evolution it has become the basis of psychophysical hygiene, same as sleep.

Arenʼt you goofing off?

Arenʼt you avoiding?

Youʼre zigzagging!

but you donʼt have a say in this.

you are a joke with no will of its own – the only reason why you are where you are, is…

…to serve the whimsies of others.

No, there is a difference!

In that case weʼre losing the element of slavery here, which might be substantial.

Premature exhaustion, boredom, eternal searching, inquiring, all with no visible result whatsoever.

I only dispose of given means – maybe that is why I am often not connected.

But thatʼs what itʼs about!

Pay!

For everything.

Bliss – bliss without labour, a moment of instant happiness you have to buy with a little something!

And thatʼs what itʼs about.

I am not doing it in order to change the society I live in, most importantly I want to meet people who think alike!”

Enslavement, a word deviating from the image of the ideal rebuilding of life.

The bearer of the name Walter” = a life he did not live, a life that had belonged to someone else and that he had accepted.

In fact Walter does not exist!

a confirmation: Should you decide for it, do not be afraid to open your mouth and speak.

I canʼt do anything else for you now. He laughed and cried by turns. His dreams appeared like a false excuse for idleness…

Walter lived in a time which enabled a mass return of doctrines that had been gradually falling into oblivion ever since the 19th century.

The general assertion that free market and human freedom were basically the same thing…

All hopes and dreams will be sacrificed for the benefit of an intense hoarding of experiences.

The ideology of desire in a time of infinite layering of public and private bureaucracy was responsible for the administrative system which worked almost on a planetary scale.

At times when he could not sleep for the amount of heaped thoughts, he thought of where else to move.

I see no reason why we should be loyal to an institution that is not very loyal to us.”

but at sixty he was beginning to live again…

Again he came back to earth.

a confirmation: To what extent can this part of society further its own interests and contrarily, to what extent is it merely an obedient apparatus, one that is fully commanded by the real powerholders?

Does the ability to develop oneʼs own culture and to foster oneʼs very own values still exist?

The escalated situation and the general hopelessness consumed the remaining desires to make any changes.

He described this period as the happiest…

…but at the same time as the worst in his life.

He felt weak all the time, he had no regards for anything, his worries were unusually grave.

At the same time he sensed, however, that if he did not do something that very moment, he would be lost forever.

a confirmation: It seems like there is a choice between an option which makes one think there is only one way of life…

…and another option, which says full of hope that if you want to live in better, more bearable conditions, you can do nothing but go back to the first option.

He could think of nothing.

It was not too long before he had started to absorb himself in his own thoughts again, which was never a good sign. In order to get rid of that feeling he walked from one room to another, taking into his hand anything that reminded him of a particular event from his own past.

a confirmation: A thing that happens automatically in prison is that you start to walk about.

He walked about.

He moved in figure-eights like a confused honeybee.

Is this why people retire prematurely?

Hardly anyone will live to be this age. It is becoming a collection of things past…

He is not like most of those who are afraid to admit things to themselves.

He did mess up a few things in his life.

The word “former“ hits home for him, it sticks to him and follows him at all times.

A former shop assistant, a former postman, an automechanic, a former accountant, a former head, former, former, former…

He thinks about his past way too much. He blames himself for all the things he messed up. A person who lives this long is inclined to believe that he knows everything, that nothing can surprise him. Nothing can shake him, nothing can shock him.

Now he is certain…

…this is not just a temporary state.

He realizes where he is…

If he is really where he thinks he is, in the middle of a neverending bottomless crowd of people who all look alike, then the ideal way of surviving may be – blending in. Simply put, to blend in the crowd. Similar discoveries evidently gave rise to thoughts yet unknown to him.

A confirmation: A new feeling, apparent ease and tentativeness can also be a huge illusion.

Based on the expression on his face it is quite probable that he will never want to speak again.

He will never want to speak and he will never want to laugh.

Insecurity became the basis for every decision making. Later he came to realize that he had always fought a feeling which was ingeniously constructed by a generation of ancestors.

a confirmation: The story will be constructed not according to how they name it. The story will be constructed according to how we name it. In translation this sentence means: If Walter is fighting his lack of security that was based on whole generations of ancestors, it is crystal clear that the prevailing tendency is to erase a personʼs inner orientation and that his natural walk should ideally conform to the tempo,of which he is a part.

Walterʼs life rhythm is fully automated, corresponding to the rhythm of others, his movements are relaxed, all fantasy conforms to daydreaming about non-interchangeability, uniqueness and authenticity.

A confirmation: From the beginning an ambiguous status prevails. The story will only become a dream for those who would like to surpass the levels of the others.

How do we survive in an environment we have entered for the very first time?

3.

Every time I sat down and closed my eyes for a minute, I just let my mind wander… Beings appeared before my eyes whose behaviour did not stem from their own persuasion. It wasnʼt coming from them. The list of their character traits had the same defect. They were becoming more and more crystallic. Even though their voice can be heard it does not really belong to them.

Echoes of lone voices.

Beings leaving their own homes.

I helped myself by creating sentences instead of words, believing that the stories constructed from such sentences could make it easier for me to imagine and name things.

4.

Isnʼt this characteristic of dreams? That everything appears more truthful?

This is how human thinking works…

It si necessary that a person trusts his dreams.

And what if I have in fact lost my memory?!

Is it possible that this has happened before? That people lost their memory under shock and they could no longer remember anything from their past?

Walter

I After all, werenʼt we discussing the things I had dreamed a while ago?

Am I not just repeating the subject of my dreams?

I do not remember anything, and so I suddenly assume the dream to be the truth.

 

* 2013 

Reklamy

Zanechat odpověď

Vyplňte detaily níže nebo klikněte na ikonu pro přihlášení:

Logo WordPress.com

Komentujete pomocí vašeho WordPress.com účtu. Odhlásit /  Změnit )

Google+ photo

Komentujete pomocí vašeho Google+ účtu. Odhlásit /  Změnit )

Twitter picture

Komentujete pomocí vašeho Twitter účtu. Odhlásit /  Změnit )

Facebook photo

Komentujete pomocí vašeho Facebook účtu. Odhlásit /  Změnit )

Připojování k %s